Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Signifigance
by Cala Akina Morushiku
Summary: this is a story of Zuko's life...and the trials and tribulations he goes through. VERY FUNNY! If you don't get sarcasm, stay away! everyone else: please read! Thanks in advance!
1. Zuko's Life

Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance

Zuko: practicing his Fire bending on the ship's starboard side Hiya! Hiya! Stereotypical lame kung-fu movie sounds! HIYA!

Iroh: Zuko, do you really need to say all those stereotypical lame kung-fu movie sounds?

Zuko: Yes, uncle I do. How else am I going to attract obviously wanted attention to myself?

Iroh: You could try being nice to someone for a change

Zuko: Yeah, but being a mean, spoiled brat is what gets me all the ladies! Why would I bother changing?

Iroh: True…true lame reference to a Budweiser commercial

Zuko: Ya know, you've gotta love fan girls. You do something completely pig-headed and they swoon and sigh. Heck, **even breathing** is an Act of God in their eyes.

Iroh: Yes…but when will it all end?looks wistfully into the sunset

Zuko: Hey! Don't even think about trying to cut in on my using of lame movie clichés!

Iroh: shakes as if awakening from a trance I wasn't cutting in on anything!

Zuko: looks at him suspiciously Don't try to fool me, old man! I've the eyes of a hawk!

Iroh: And you've got the scar that looks like some kind of bird wing to prove it! points at his nephew's scar, oblivious to the tears welling up in poor Zuko's eyes

Zuko: breaks out into hysterical tears WAAAA! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT! WAAA! runs off the deck and into the haul, with Iroh chasing after him

Iroh: runs after Zuko, but has to stop repeatedly to catch his breath What kind of mutated vegetables are they feeding kids these days!

Zuko: reaches his chambers just as Iroh approaches

Iroh: panting Zuko…huff huff I didn't mean what I huff huff said…

Zuko: Liar! You said that on purpose! How could you do that to me Uncle? You know how important it is for me to bear this silent pain all by my lonesome so that the fan girls will love me more because I have this heavy burden of having an awesome battle scar on my face! Now they've seen the real me--THE SCARRED, INSECURE TROUBLED YOUTH YEARING FOR HIS FATHER'S ACCEPTANCE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

Iroh: Zuko…I never knew you felt that way crying now too

Zuko: And you wanna know what the worst part of all of this is?

Iroh: WHAT! sobbing hysterically

Zuko: I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! lame reference to Wayne's World

Iroh: …………yes, you did….

Zuko: ………FINE! NOW I HAVE TO BE A STEROTYPICAL TEENAGER IN DISTESS AND YELL "GET OUT OF MY LIFE" AND SLAM MY DOOR IN YOUR FACE! SO…GET OUT OF MY LIFE! slams the door in his uncle's face

Iroh: does exactly the WRONG thing to do, being a bad guardian FINE! SEE IF I CARE! storms off

Zuko: crying and puffing in his room. He runs and throws himself onto his bed and sobs…later on, he lifts up his head and looks out the window. Standing up, he walks over to the window. He watches passively as two doves fly in the air together. Suddenly, drippy, jazz piano music starts up and the orchestra begins to play

Drippy Jazz pianist: Take it away, Zuko.

Zuko: singing Uncle Iroh gives me…some very good advice. But I very seldom…follow it. sighs dramatically and looks out his window…oh, I've got gadgets and gizmos of plenty. I've got whosits and whatsits galore! suddenly all of his furniture in his room disappears. Zuko starts twirling to the center of the room You want a thing-a-bob? I've got twenty he somehow has a box of pipes in his hand. Flounder flops helplessly on his floor, unable to breathe, since he's a fish. But who cares…?Zuko steps on Flounder No big deal…I want MORE…starts floating up to his ceiling, Little Mermaid Style. suddenly, there is a flash of light and Zuko is wearing a white tux with a top hat and cane. He is strutting down a white staircase I'M IN THE MONEY! I'M IN THE MONEY! he does a little turn and suddenly, he is on the disco floor, doing that annoying dance where you put one finger up in the air I'M TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY, TOO SEXY FOR YOUR PARTY, NO WAY I'M DISCO DANCING! next, he is in the middle of Death Valley in a Ford Mustang with a Tears for Fears haircut SHOUT! SHOUT! WORK IT ON OUT! THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT! COME ON! next he is transported to the 17th century, wearing a white wig and frilly clothing. He is playing the organ

Iroh: listening behind Zuko's door Wow…that's some music medley…

Abruptly, the music stops. Iroh is shocked and quietly enters the room. There is his nephew singing "I Hope You Dance" …in sign language

Zuko: performing sign language. He starts doing that hand gesture that looks like a bird lame reference to Napoleon Dynamite

Iroh: quietly leaves his nephew and closes the door He just needs some alone time…

Zuko: continues his music medley for many hours. Some of the featured songs would have been (with appropriate costume and scenery), if I wasn't so lazy to write them: Tomorrow, Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better, Prima Donna, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Dirty, Confessions II, and If Your Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands

Zuko: wow…I sure sang a lot today…I should go on American Idol. Suddenly, the judges appear

Simon: You have the worst voice on the face of the planet. Don't even think of auditioning.

Puala: Oh, well I like him! He has that "scarred, insecure price yearning for his father's acceptance" look. Audiences love a pity story.

Randy: Yeah, you were totally on cue. And that whole stepping on the blue and yellow fish thing…that got me right here punches self in eye OW! Goddamnit!

Zuko: Well, Simon, since I'm a prince, I can just order someone to decapitate you. Guard!

Guard: Yo, wat's up, foo!

Zuko: Decapitate him at once!

Guard: Say wha!

Zuko: I want you to cut off his head!

Guard: You want me to cut off the white dude's head? Now you gonna tell to cut off the white dude's head?

Zuko: Because I told you so that's why! It's not that difficult to grasp! Take this axe picks up axe and lop off his head!

Guard: Man, I gotta go and bust a cap in some Crip's ass…I ain't got time for this shit! leaves

Zuko: WHY! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE!

Fangirls: Because it makes us love you EVEN MORE!

Zuko: Oh, yeah! Now I remember…it's all for the ladies…snickers and puts his arms around two girls

_**Fin**_


	2. Miami Beach Adventures

Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance #2

Zuko: sitting on the beach, slurping a pina colata out of a coconut glass I have absolutely no recollection of how I got here, but hey! I'm under aged and drinking an alcoholic beverage! Not only that, but I'm on Miami Beach! How cool is that! I have no idea where or exactly what Miami Beach is, but hey! I'M ZUKO! I CAN COPE!

Author…sure, you can………a thought bubble appears over her head, recalling SEVERAL episodes where Zuko could not cope

Iroh: wearing a blue Hawaiian print bathing suit. He walks up to Zuko and a beach chair pops out of nowhere. He sits in it and applies some sun tan lotion to his arms Ah…this is the life, isn't Zuko?

Zuko: It sure is! Hey! Was that one of those rare moments where I actually speak civilly to you!

Iroh: blinks in confusion Oh my god, you're right! This calls for a celebration! suddenly a samba band pops AGAIN out of nowhere

Samba leader: RRRRUMBA! bangs away on bongo drums. Because his eyes are closed in merriment, he misses the drums and starts beating on Zuko's head

Zuko: WTF, mate! dropping the coconut glass and standing up, infuriated

Iroh: LOL!

Zuko: Since when do you know internet lingo?

Iroh: Since I've been down with the shiznit! DUH!

Zuko: But…this isn't really a laughing situation

Samba Leader: RRRRUMBA! continues to bang on Zuko's head, although he can hardly reach, so just his finger tips are actually touching the prince's head

Zuko: WOULD YOU STOP IT ALREADY?

Sometime later

Zuko and Iroh: sleeping peacefully under the Miami Sun. Suddenly 5 cop cars surround them. Abruptly, they are handcuffed

Zuko: What is the meaning of this!

Iroh: still sleeping

Crocket (from Miami Vice **1)**: You, my friend, and your uncle, are gonna be doing some time…Miami Vice style Miami Vice theme plays

Iroh: twitches in his sleep

Zuko: What was that totally off-key and lame 80's music that just popped out of nowhere…again?

Tubs (from Miami Vice): You don't like it? Well…we'll make sure that you hear it ALL the time when we take you downtown to do time…Miami Vice style! theme music plays again

Zuko: yeah…it really sucks

Crocket and Tubs: angry silence

Zuko: In any case, what are we being arrested for?

Crocket: You, sirs, are being arrested for illegally entering the United States without a passport. Also, it seems that you're mass-murders.

Zuko: WTF, mate? What the heck is the United States?

Samba leader: Hola, senors!

Crocket: The Drug Dealer! pulls out his gun and chases after the samba leader STOP! NYPD!

Zuko: uh…don't you mean MPD? Humph! Incompetent authorities…

Tubs: shoots Zuko a look of hatred and gets into a cop car. He sits in the front seat and buckles his seatbelt with a cheesy grin and thumbs up. He suddenly becomes somber and takes a big breath Oh, Cop Car of Majestic Miami Beach: Lend me your awesome crime fighting powers so that I may become "Super Crime Fighting Gas Guzzling Cop Car MAN!" his voice echoes in the way that all stereotypical pilots of huge-ass robots do and Tubs thunders away

Random Chorus: TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE! TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

Zuko: …what the hell? scratches his head OW! SUNBURN!

Iroh: suddenly awakens That's what happens when you don't use sun block! falls back asleep

Aang: Not only that, but you can get SKIN CANCER!

Zuko: The Avatar! runs towards Aang

Aang: And did you know that the NY lotto is over two million dollars! rips off his face to reveal himself as that annoying guy on the NY Lotto commercials

Zuko: AAAHHHH! NERDS! screams like a woman from a '50's horror movie

Crocket: Goddamnit Tubs! You've squashed another suspect!

Tubs: Sorry! Gosh! Lame reference to Napoleon Dynamite the robot transforms back into a cop car

Crocket: looks at Zuko and Uncle Iroh Anyways, as I was saying before…apparently, you're mass-murders.

Zuko: What's that supposed to mean!

Crocket: Well, it seems that you're responsible for the total ANNIHALTION of a group of people, formerly known as "The Air Nomads"

Tubs: Probably some type of cult…

Crocket: Oh, and not only that, but you're wanted for littering!

Zuko: When did I litter? What exactly did I litter!

Tubs: points to the coconut glass that Zuko dropped earlier

Zuko: looks from the glass to the two cops and back again You guys are complete idiots! Hello? IT'S DECOMPOSABLE!

Crocket and Tubs: give him a blank stare

Zuko: looks at them like they're complete idiots Are you kidding me…?

Crocket: No, we're not. And where you'll be going, you'll find that people don't tell many jokes…

Zuko: Okay, listen: I know it's hard for you, but you've got to stop using those lame lines! They're not cool anymore! No one thought they were cool to begin with!

Tubs: froths at the mouth

Crocket: Okay, mister! You've just earned yourself 25 to life! brings Zuko around and forces him into the car. He places his hand on Zuko's head and tries to push him into the car

Zuko: GYAA! SUNBURN, DAMNIT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY HEAD IS SUN BURNED?

Tubs: growls a Zuko (Tubs was the one who said most of those lame lines with really obscure puns) and attempts to say something

Crocket: No, we can't see killer's pain

Zuko: MY HEAD IS BALD! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE IT? UNCLE, UNCLE, HELP!

Iroh: reaches for a pillow that has appeared out of no where…again…and rolls over, covering his ears

Zuko: to audience wow…this is really inconvenient…HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY!HELP!**2** OH, IS THERE NO ONE TO SAVE ME!

Suddenly, a band of girls all dressed in camo and army boots comes running over the sand dunes

Author: There he is! puts away her binoculars Come on, girls! Zuko needs us! goes running over the dunes with other crazy girls running after her AHHHHH! STEREOTYPICAL AND LAME CHARGING INTO BATTLE NOISES! AHHHHH! the girls reach the cop car and start trying to tip it over. Some of them run around and get Zuko out of the car. They lift him up and carry him out

Zuko: WHY! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE!

Fan girls: BECAUSE IT MAKES US LOVE YOU EVEN MORE!

Author: carrying a gas tank LET'S SET THIS FKER OFF! pours gas on the flipped over car and throws a lighted match onto it

Cop Car of Majestic Miami Beach: as it is burning…goodbye, Tubs…

Tubs: NOOOOOO!

Crocket: Tubs come on! We need to leave! There's no way we can combat these crazy girls obsessed with magical anime characters!

Katara: IT'S NOT MAGIC! IT'S WATER-BENDING!

Author: ACK! sees Katara and her right eye starts twitching DESTROY HER! an army of fan girls marches after Katara with bayonets

Katara: AAHH!

Suddenly, the car explodes. The immortal robot in disguise--

Random Chorus: TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN DISGUISE! TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS TH--

Author: Would you just shut up!

Zuko: So…you're the author?

Author: EEEKSS! turns to her fan girl army HE TALKED TO ME!

Fan Girl Army: EEKSS!

Random soldier: Ask him what his number is!

Random soldier #2: Oh, oh! Ask him his favorite color!

Random soldier #3: Ask him what's on his boxers today!

Zuko: Excuse me taps author on shoulder Hello? Earth-to-whoever-you-are!

Author: starts babbling uncontrollably and crying

Zuko: uh…backs away cautiously

Author: inhales and exhales really deeply Okay, I'm ready! kneels down and presents Zuko with something Zuko…would you take us…to be your lawfully wedded **wives**?

Zuko: his mouth hangs open in disbelief as his eyes scan over the thousands of girls

Author: We don't have much money--well, actually, I think between all of us, we'd have a lot of money, but that's beside the point--but if we did, we'd buy a big house, where we ALL could live!

Fan Girl Army: YEAH!

Author: Zuko, I'd like to give you this ring, as a token of OUR affection! she opens her hands to reveal one of those crappy, fake blinky-rave rings in a plastic capsule

Zuko: How much did you pay for this? he picks up the capsule and shakes it

Author: 75 cents. Why?

Zuko: You're purposing to me with a 75 cents ring?

Author: Do you have a problem with that? stands up I told you already! We don't have much money!

Zuko: stares at her incredulously

Author: FINE! IF YOU WON'T HAVE US…THAN NOBODY CAN HAVE YOU! INSANE ARMY OF FAN GIRLS: ATTACK!

Fan Girl Army: AHHH! charging at Zuko with their bayonets

Zuko: AHHHHHHHH! he runs for dear life into the sea. Everything goes black

Zuko: murmuring in his bed, the blankets pulled up to his chin all fan girls may now go AWW! Don Johnson…Transformers…Robots in Disguise…crazy fan girls…bayonets…If you like pina colatas…popping out of no where…again…internet lingo starts crying

Iroh: shaking Zuko Zuko, Zuko! Wake up!

Zuko: wakes up, groggily and looks at Uncle Iroh Oh…Auntie Anne! Lame reference to The Wizard of Oz

Iroh: HEY! Who you calling 'auntie'?

Zuko: Oh…I just came back from a mystical world! looks at 3 random crew members that have gathered around Zuko And you were there! And you! Oh, Mr. Wakamiya! You were there, too! And I learned a valuable lesson through this! I learned…that there's no place like home…!

Iroh: Yeah…Zuko, I think you need to lay off the hallucinative drugs for awhile!

Zuko: No! It **was** real! pulls Iroh over by his shirt collar and whispers into his ear Stop killing the end of the story! For the audience's sake! I don't think they can take much more of this insanity! throws Iroh back

Iroh: Well, clears throat I believe you then. I'm going to go and get a nice cup of tea!

Crewmembers: muttering under their breaths and giving Zuko suspicious looks

Zuko: They don't believe me! But I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT--

Author: Okay, okay, okay! I have no absolutely NO drive left to write this! So…you need to go away now!

Zuko: Are you joking! I got drunk, almost had a concussion, arrested, nearly squashed by a Transformer, bitten by a rabid cop, trampled by an army of crazed girls, purposed to with a 75 cents ring, and accused of being under the influence and THIS is how you end the story? THIS IS SO ANTI-CLIMATIC!

Author: Hey, I have to go to my track meet now! I don't have time to write a good ending!

Zuko: B-b-but!

Author: NO BUTTS! I mean…BUTS!

Zuko: You just said the same thing twice…

Author: No, I didn't. It's a homonym! DUH!

Zuko: okay…

Author: Be that as it may, is there anything you'd like to say to the audience before this ends?

Zuko: Yeah, I do. Okay, if you want to marry me, you have to purpose to me with something worth more than 75 cents! OKAY! Anyting else just won't cut it!

Author: Wow…you just said that because you're a spoiled price trying to marry into money! Eww, you gold digger!

Zuko: I'm a PRINCE! I don't need to marry into money! I ALREADY have money! You are such an idiot!

Author: Now, let's think about what you just said…do you have ANY idea of how that may affect me? No, you don't! Therefore, you are lacking in sensitivity, grace, poise, uh…

Zuko: And you need to die now! Does some type of Fire Bending move

Author: now a nice pile of ashes NOW THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!

Zuko: spits on the Author, or pile ashes Does it look like I care? walks out of room

END

1: Miami Vice was a cop show that was shot from the early-80's to the early-90's. The main characters were Crocket and Tubs. They were constantly saying really annoying lines that had totally obscure puns that I don't understand at all. Also, the theme is the most annoying and totally discordant piece of music ever written...I really hate this show and I hate when my parents make me sit down and watch it...they're just doing to relive their youth...WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS!

2: Something like this actually happened to me. I was traveling in a subway in NY (which is confusing as hell) with my friend and her mom. We got outat theBroadway and 40th station and started walking towards the DIRECTED exit. Well, the lights weren't on when we got there and the doors were locked. So...I yelled, "HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP!"...it was funny.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Jeopardy Parody

Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance # 3

I've discovered that when I write the actions in asterix, they don't appear. From now on, the actions will be written in parentheses.

OOOO

Iroh :( sitting on the ship's deck, sipping a cup of tea) Hm…you know, many strange things have been happening to Zuko lately. What with him bursting into song, being under the influence…many, many strange, UNEXPLAINABLE things. But…just for Zuko. Nothing ever happens to me. Poor, old, little uncle Iroh. Past his prime…I should try to find some way to fill the empty void that is my life… (Sits and ponders for awhile) I KNOW! I'LL GO ON A GAMESHOW!

Author: Oh, God…

(The scene switches to the Jeopardy set. Yes, Jeopardy. The audience claps as the announcer begins to introduce the contestants)

Announcer: A snot-nosed kid trapped in an ice berg for the past 100 years! Now the Avatar and **supposed** savior of the world, please welcome Aang!

Aang: (glares at the ceiling)

Announcer: A little wench from the South Pole! Now a really crappy Waterbender and "den-mother", please welcome Katara!

Katara: What! (Glares at the ceiling as well)

Announce: And our non-returning, but still freakishly cool, champion! Currently trying to capture the Avatar, please give a warmer welcome than you did the other two for Prince Zuko!

Aang and Katara: (look suspiciously at the Author)

Author: What! What are you looking at me for!

Zuko: (looks over at them very smugly)

Aang and Katara: (Look away from the author)

Author: (glances around and slips the announcer an open brief case with one million big buckaroos)

Announcer: And here's our host….Alex TRRRREBEK!

Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Invisible-and-Easily-Bribed-Announcer-Guy. (Clears throat) Well, tonight we have some of the cast from Avatar: The Last Airbender! Let's get started!

Audience: WHOO-HOO!

Trebek: That's not very appropriate!

Audience: (hands heads in shame)

Trebek: The categories are: Colors, Shapes, Easily-recognizable animals, Easily-recognizable sounds, Human emotions, and lastly, "Quantum Theorem". Notice how "Quantum Theorem" is in quotations. Aang, we'll start with you.

Aang: Okay, I'll take…Quantum Theorem for $200, Alex.

Trebek: Alright. Here's the clue: This is something that you have absolutely no idea about, and yet the only reason you chose it was because you wanted to show off in front of your little girlfriend? What! What kind of clue is?

Author: Heh, heh, heh (pulls out another brief case filled with money)

Aang: Uh… (Stares up at the ceiling, pondering)

(The buzzer goes off)

Trebek: Oh, I'm sorry. You ran out of time. The correct answer was "Quantum Theorem". Katara, you're next.

Katara: Okay! I'm ready! I'll take…colors for $400.

Trebek: Sure (The screen turns into a video. Haru appears, wearing a green scarf)

Haru: Hello.

Katara: Hi, Haru! (Beats her eyelashes flirtatiously at the screen)

Trebek: Katara, you do know that this is pre-recorded, don't you?

Katara: Oh! (Covers her face with her hands, her face beet red)

Haru: Here's the clue: What color is this scarf?

Katara: (crying in her hands, her face still covered)

Trebek: Uh…Katara, you'll need to look at the screen if you want to answer the question correctly.

(Buzzer goes off)

Trebek: Oh, looks like you're out of time. The answer is, "What is green?" Zuko, you're next!

Zuko: Alright then…I'll take…uh…hm……well-no, never mind-…lemme think here…uh…

Trebek: Would you pick already!

Zuko: Hey, watch it! I could have you beheaded! Infamous guard from episode one of these totally ridiculous stories, come here!

Infamous guard from Episode One: Yo, yo, yo! Wha'd up wit tha shiznit! Yo! Iroh, my main man! Wha'd up, foo'!

Iroh: Just keepin' it real, biotch!

Trebek: Do you mind? (Takes a few calming breaths) Anyway, Zuko, have you selected a category?

Zuko: Yeah. (Silence)

Trebek: (waits for Zuko to say what category he had chosen. He begins to tap his foot on the floor) Well…what is it?

Zuko: Oh, you want me to tell you? Okay, well, I'd like "Capture the Avatar" for $1,000, please.

Trebek: That's not one of the categories…

Zuko: Oh, (takes out his reading glasses) Oh, you're right. Well, in that case, I'd like "Easily-recognizable animals" for $200, then.

Trebek: Why not? (The screen displays a picture of a swordfish). This aquatic animal, which lives in the Atlantic, has a nose shaped like a sword?

Zuko: uh…hm…oh, oh! It's on the tip of my tongue! (Bounces around, arms waving wildly) Oh! I know it!

Author: (hiding inside of Zuko's podium. She whispers VERY loudly, so that people in the audience can hear her) "WHAT IS SWORDFISH?"

Zuko: (leans over and looks inside of his podium. He whispers back just as loudly) ARE YOU SURE!

Author: YEAH! (She shows Zuko a picture of a swordfish in an encyclopedia)

Zuko: OKAY! (Gives author the thumbs up. He stands back up and clears his throat) What is… (He leans back down again). WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Author: SWORDFISH!

Zuko: OKAY! (Stands up again) What is swordfish?

Trebek: uh…yeah, sure. $200 for Zuko.

Katara: Hello! Are you deaf? We all know that the author is hiding in his podium!

Trebek: (walks around and glares down at the Author) What are you doing under there?

Author: No, you don't understand! I was told to be here!

Trebek: By who, exactly?

Author: Uh…my insane love for Zuko? (She is abruptly taken away by two security guards) HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP! (Is thrown out the studio doors).

Zuko: Damn, there goes all my answers!

Alex: (rubs his head as if experiencing a headache) Contestants, please let me make this clear for you. You are not allowed to have any outside help! And I mean any! Cheating is not tolerated!

Aang: Then what about him?

Alex: Who?

Katara: That weird old green dude (points to Yoda (yes, Yoda does have a cameo in this))

Alex: Yoda? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in exile until **A New Hope**!

Yoda: While in exile, participate in this game, I will.

Katara: But…aren't you telepathic or something?

Alex: Yeah, that's right, you are. Yoda, you can't participate in this game.

Yoda: (glares at Alex. A long silence follows him)…FK YOU! (His middle finger is censored out (does Yoda even have a middle finger?). He suddenly does a series of overly dramatic back flips and jumps out the studio windows.)

Alex: …this game is getting odder and odder….Anyways, uh…Aang! It's your turn!

Aang: Sure Alex…hm…I'll take easily-recognizable sounds for $800.

Alex: Are you sure?

Aang: Do you doubt my intellectual abilities?

Alex: Not at all! Listen closely; here's the sound.

(The guitar solo from "My Sharona" is heard)

Alex: This sound consists of two words. The first word is the name of the instrument that makes the sound. The second word rhymes with "Jiff"? JIFF? What **is** this?

Author: (licking peanut butter off of a knife (I know, bad habit)). What? Hey, Creamy Jiff beats Super-Chunk any day!

Aang: (ponders)

(The buzzer goes off)

Alex: Sorry. You didn't answer fast enough. The correct answer was, "What is a Guitar Riff"?

Aang: What? WHAT THE HELL IS A GUITAR RIFF? WHAT'S A GUITAR? WHAT ON EARTH IS A RIFF? AND WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS JIFF?

Zuko: You know, you'd think that because you are the Avatar, you'd know all the answers. I guess your "worldly knowledge" is quite up to par, now is it?

Katara: Hey, I wouldn't be talking. You're the one who had the **author **hiding under the podium.

Zuko: It wasn't my idea!

Aang: Oh, yeah, then how'd she get there?

Zuko: Listen, the only reason she was there was because she claimed it was the only chance she'd ever get to be that close to my crotch…at the time I was torn between flattery and total repulsion so I didn't say anything…

Katara: Eww…

Zuko: Yeah, I know. Now you see what kind of sick-o writes these stories.

Aang: And you allow this?

Zuko: What do you mean, "And you allow this"? I'm a fictional character at the disposal of thousands of people across the United States, which I now know what it is. What am I supposed to do about it?

Katara: You could stage a revolt.

Zuko: I'm already doing that in the series! DUH!

Katara: Sorry.

Zuko: But…you're right. (Glares up at the ceiling, shaking his fist at it) DO YOU HEAR ME, AUTHOR? I WON'T BE USED AS SOME KIND OF PAWN ANYMORE! I WON'T LET YOU ABUSE ME LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!

Author: That's what YOU think….hee hee hee!

(Suddenly, storm clouds gather in the Jeopardy set)

Author: Don't you see, Zuko? In these fan fictions…**I AM GOD**! (her voices echoes and a lightning bolt strikes the clue board. It explodes and sparks fly everywhere. Things catch fire and the audience runs out of the studio.)

Audience (collectively): AHHHHH! STEREOTYPICAL TERRIFIED MASSES OF PANICED PEOPLE NOISES! AHHHH!

Zuko: Wow…"Ahhhhh" is used a lot in these stories.

Author: For lack of a better word.

Trebek: Great! This is just fking great! The audience is running away, the studio is an inferno, and our contestants are complete imbeciles!

Contestants: HEY! We're not imbeciles!

Trebek: You didn't even get through round one!

Katara: True…true ((Again, a lame reference to Budweiser)).

Trebek: The only one who seems to have a shred of intellectually capability is Zuko! At least he managed to scrape up $200!

Aang: But he was cheating!

Trebek: So? At least he's cunning and decisive! He could have gotten rid of her, but since he's SMART, he kept her.

Zuko: Well, actually, it was because I just wanted to pretend she didn't exist. I didn't even know she was under there 'til she told me the answer.

Trebek: (dead-pan glare) Still, you used your resources! So, that means that Zuko, you're the winner!

Iroh: WHOO-HOOO!

Zuko: Uncle Iroh, what are you doing here? You should have cowardly fled at least 10 minuets ago.

Iroh: Zuko, I'm a Firebender. I don't fear fire!

Zuko: Oh…

Trebek: Well, I think you're all mad! I'm getting out of here! (Runs out of the studio)

Aang: Now what?

Zuko: Well, I would capture you, but seems kind of inappropriate.

Aang: Until next episode then?

Zuko: Sure, whatever.

Katara: Check you later, Zuko.

Aang: I'm outie!

(Zuko and Aang perform some type of strange handshake consisting of making fists, snapping, and doing little turns)

Zuko: Hey, infamous guard from Episode one!

Guard: What'd up, biotch?

Zuko: Let's go

Guard: I'm down with that.

(The three fire benders walk out of the studio doors into the sunset. Suddenly, they are wearing black coats, black cowboy hats, and black cowboy boots ((lame reference to Tombstone))

Zuko: What the hell is this? (Tries taking off the cloak. It won't come off)

Author: What don't you like Tombstone?

Iroh: This outfit isn't very colorful.

Zuko: (starts hacking) Hey, if I'm coughing like this, than that must mean…WHY DID I HAVE TO BE DOC HOLIDAY!

Author: Because Val Kylmer is hot…DUH!

Zuko: Oh my God, HE DIES OF TUBERCULOSIS! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME!

Iroh: Zuko, I think you're taking this too far…

Zuko: NO! I'm going to settle this once and for all! (Pulls out a sword from no where. He charges at the Author.) AHHHH! (Obvious slow-mo)

(The sound of a human heart beat begins to pound, growing louder and louder)

Author: (crying) I DON'T WANT TO DIE BY MY LOVE'S HANDS!

Zuko: (he nears the Author, shouting all the while)

Random Director (Quentin Tarantino): and…CUT! (The lights go on and various people run onto the set) Beautiful! Absolutely stunning! Zuko, you were phenomenal!

Zuko: Thank you, Quentin!

Quentin: And Author, you were… (Stops to see that the author has big X's in her eyes. She has died from fear) Uh…Zuko, I think you killed her.

Zuko: Hm…well, what we gonna do about that?

Quentin: Hey, no worries! We'll just find a replacement Author!

Zuko: Whew, that's a relief. I'm so glad that there are lots of crazed girls obsessed with magical anime characters, like her, running around the U.S! It'll make the production run smoothly.

Quentin: You're telling me!

People on set: (Give a large, cheesey group laugh)

End


	4. Two years of abscence crap

Zuko's Life and Why It Has Some Significance

4

Author: In light of the previous stories, I have realized that they are extraordinarily violent and vulgar. My apologies. Also, Zuko is none to pleased with the content. He finds the subject matter to be childish and pointless. As I have no desire to be burnt alive or frightened to death again, the following stories will be ones of complete modesty and sincerity…

(Zuko is seen sitting in a fake leather chair in a TV studio. A fat, balding man sits across from him, his nose being powdered by a stage crew lady. The man eyes the Firebender warily (for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, we're talking about the infamous Dr. Phil))

DP: Shouldn't you be on Jerry Springer or something?

Z: Who?

DP: You know, "Jerry Jerry!!"

Z: (gives DP a blank stare)

DP: Freak…

Z: Why am I here? How did I get here anyway?

DP: Don't ask me. I'm just a useless pawn being merciless manipulated for the enjoyment of sick, magical-anime-characters-obsessed girls slash (/) boys.

Z: It's not magic, it's "waterbending". And I don't think that you're supposed to say "slash". I think it's just written that way.

DP: (glares at Z) Hey, who has the PHD, here? You or me?

Random stage guy: 2 seconds, Dr.

DP: Sh--

(Suddenly, the lights go on and Zuko is shocked to see the entire room filled with the fan girl army from Miami Beach)

DP: Okay folks, today we have a very very confused and neglected youth up on stage with me. I'm going to talk to him and then we're going to sort out his problems. Also, we'll have some other freaks-I mean-people up on stage with us.

Random Fan girl: Shouldn't you be doing some kind of lame intro thing?

DP: Who has the PHD here? You or me?

Z: What…?

DP: So, Zuko. Tell us about yourself. Let's start off with your name. Who are you?

Z: You just said my name.

DP: Funny, I don't remember that.

Z: You said it not two seconds ago!

DP: Hey, who has the PHD here? You or me?

Z: Alright…my name is Prince Zuko.

DP: Got a last name?

Z: (opens his mouth as if to say something. Silence follows him.)

DP: That's okay. I don't have a name, either.

Z: Wait, isn't your show called Dr. Phil?

DP: Yes

Z: Well, would that not imply that your name is Phil?

DP: …moving on!! Zuko, you are currently on the hunt for the Avatar. So far you still haven't caught the little bugger. How does that make you feel?

Z: Pretty damn lousy.

(Suddenly an alarm goes off)

DP: Zuko! We don't allow that kind of potty language at the dinner table-I mean-the afternoon talk show! From now on you must say…tiddle-y winks.

Z: Alright…that makes me feel pretty tiddle-y winks lousy.

DP: Much better…

Z: Yeah, I really hate the Avatar

(Another alarm goes off)

DP: Zuko, use feeling words!

Z: Hate is a feeling.

DP: It's too broad a concept for some of our viewers

Z: What, the mentally retarded ones?

(Yet another alarm goes off)

DP: Zuko, no putting others down!!

Z: This is ridiculous! I'm leaving!!

DP: Running away? Do you fear confrontation?! Are you pussing ball of insecurity?!?!

Z: No, I am not. But you wanna know what you are? You're just a fat, old, bald guy who's too tiddle-y winks lazy to go and fix his own problems so all you do is sit around a fix other people's problems. So go get some Rogain™ and a personal trainer and GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!

(A cheer erupts from the audience. Someone gets the bright idea to start chanting Jerry Springer's name)

Audience: Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry!!

Z: Wrong show you idiots.

(There is a brief silence, then…)

DP: Phil-y Phil-y Phil-y Phil-y!

Random Fan girl: Cheese steak!!

Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Annoying laughter)

(The laughter dies down and we see that Zuko has returned to his chair)

DP: Well, anyway. Tell us about your home life, Zuko.

Z: Why?

DP: Because we're interested in knowing.

Z: No you're not.

DP: You're right. I'm not really interested at all, but how the hell else am I supposed to make money? Humor me, okay kid?

Z: Alright…but don't call me kid!

DP: Okay………kid

Z: Well, I was born a poor black child and--

DP: No you weren't.

Z: How would you know? You weren't there.

DP: Isn't your name Prince Zuko?

Z: Yeah

DP: Well, being a prince would entitle you to, I don't know, LIVE IN A PALACE!!!

Z: True…can't pull a fast one on you, Dr. Phil.

DP: No, sir-e-bob. Anyways, I'm not really interested in you. Let's bring out our first…other person who's not a contestant: Katara!!! WHOOOO!!!!

(Katara is pushed out from behind the stage. She walks over and takes a seat next to Zuko and bats her eyelashes flirtatiously at him. Zuko turns green)

DP: Well, Katara, by that obvious come-on you just exhibited, we can all conclude that you've got the hots for Zuko.

K: You're damn right I do!!

Z: HEY! Why doesn't she have to say tiddle-y winks?!

DP: Because I like her…

Z: But you're an old man…that's just gross…

(Random kid skateboards onto the stage)

RK: Wacky Packages RULE!!! (Skates away)

(Silence)

DP: Alright then…

K: Like Oh Em Gee, Zuko is, like, the hottest hottie, like, EVER!!

Author: Like--Get A Life…

Z: Weren't you the one who told me to go jump in a river or something?

K: Yeah…

Z: No offense, but that really wasn't very threatening…

K: I know. But what do you expect? I mean--when I got my hands burned, I stuffed them under my arms. Does that give you some sort of clue as to my intelligence?

Z: Now that you mention it…

DP: (takes out a nail file and starts to file his nails)

Sokka: (pushed out from behind the stage)

S: Katara! What are you doing?!?!

K: Like Oh My Gawd, Sawkka! I know you don't like Zuko, but I do. And he likes me!! Right, Z-Chan!

Z: …No. Z-Chan! What the hell is Z-Chan!

K: It's you're new nickname!

S: What's with the God-awful accent?

K: I don't know.

DP: (looks like the Coffee Talk lady) Oh my gawd, dahling! Smooth like Buddah! (Butter)

S: Katara, I'm getting you out of here! (Grabs Katara's wrist and pulls her away)

K: No!! Sawkka!! Z-Chan!! I'll never forget you Z-Chan!!!

Z: …I will…

K: (breaks out into tears) Z-CHAN!!!!!! (Disappears behind the set)

Audience: (some girls are crying, while others are laughing their butts off)

DP: (Dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief) that is so tragic!!

Z: Why must I be surrounded by idiots in every one of these stories? (Turns to Author who is sitting the chair that Katara was)

Author: (looks like a shrink) Now, Zuko, what have I told you about tolerance?

Z: Uh………Fk it?

Author: Exactly!

Z: But that doesn't answer my question…

Author: Oh, well then…bye! (Disappears in a poof of smoke)

Z: Tiddle-y-winks…

DP: Next guest!!

(Peter Pan is shoved out from behind the stage)

DP: No, not him, you idiots!! He's in our next episode!

(Peter Pan glowers and flies away)

Z: Now what?

DP: Tell me, any ladies in your life?

Z: There was this one chick, but it wouldn't have worked out. I would have only put her in danger.

DP: How did you deal with your teenage hormones on a ship filled with sweaty 40 year old men?

Z:….I didn't. Why do you think I am so emotionally and mentally constipated?

Author: Zuko has never been one for experimentation. He knows what he wants. And that's me!!!

Z: No, actually, it really isn't.

Author: You deny it but I know your true feelings. And I'm sorry that it can't work out between us, but I've moved on Zuko. I'm very happy with my boyfriend now. We go on carriage rides and picnics and pick flowers in the nonexistent fields.

Z: I know you do…and then he checks you back in at the insane asylum. It's so nice that he still spends his Saturdays with you when he could be out pursuing more lucid girls.

Author: You have a lot of gall you know that…

Z: This really is going nowhere. You know it's taken you about two years to finish this story? And it's just a script…and a very poorly written one at that.

Author: I know…high school is more demanding than I thought it would be…

Z: It's pretty sad that you're still watching cartoons at 17 years of age…

Author: Yeah, well it's pretty sad that you have to stay stuck at 17 for the rest of your life. At least I'll get to grow up and make mistakes and probably become the crazy cat woman down the street that everyone's afraid of…

Z: Yeah, I could see that actually…want to leave? This story isn't going anywhere (much like your understanding of stoichiometry) and Dr. Phil is beginning to hit on the audience…

Author: Yes, let's. Goodbye all! I'm sorry this story took forever to write and believe me, I still look at my Avatar fanfiction but I can barely find time to sleep, much less write for pleasure. Please continue to watch the series and support our favorite emotionally-maimed anti-hero! He needs your support!!

Z: Not really…

Author: You are so arrogant…

Exit


End file.
